We shape our lives, we shape ourselves. The choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.
– Eleanor Roosevelt For many years, I believed that what happened to me was the cause of my life. In other words, that my circumstances, environment, genes, the family I grew up in, our financial situation, and what people did to me created what I experienced. That is the way most human beings, and all addicts look at life, as if we are victims: "We don't shape our lives. The things that happened in our past shaped us." What I now believe is just the opposite: We are not victims. We are the cause. And it's what I now tell business people and school kids, parents, teachers and addicts I work with: "Don't blame your problems on anything that happened to you. Try out a new perspective. Begin to see how you caused everything that's occurred in your life, including bad habits or addictions. And then you can 'Be the cause' in how you feel and what you choose to have happen in your life." I know that will be hard for some of you to accept. It still is for me at times. Yet I don't say it to make all other perspectives wrong. I just think, for many of us, it's a more powerful perspective than what most of us were taught. And it's helped me to break free of many of my own habits and addictive behaviours. The fact is, experts can’t agree on what causes bad habits and addictions. So for me, it comes down to a choice: What is the most empowering way we can look at life – whatever happens in it – so we experience more peace and joy now, and create the future we'd most like to live into? This is what gives us the "power of choice" in our lives, instead of feeling like victims. One of the things I’ve learned over the years is that, in the field of addictions, there is a huge emphasis on “who’s right and who’s wrong” – and this causes a lot of conflict, anger and even fighting among us. (Perhaps your experience has been similar.)
So what do we disagree on? Without wanting to be facetious, one could say almost everything. From ‘addiction is a disease’ to addiction isn’t a disease. Some people swear by the 12 steps (as the only method of treatment) and just as many who swear at them. There are disagreements about how much choice we have; whether you can deal with several addictions at the same time (my reason for starting All Addictions Anonymous); what substances or behaviors are actually addictions, the differences between addictions and habits, and who is an “addict” at all. I remember being in 12 step meetings where people were challenging each other about who was a “real” addict. Some would differentiate between moderate drinkers, hard drinkers and true alcoholics. Others took pride in convincing you they were a “real hardcore” alcoholic, or saying things like “You’re not addicted. Let me tell you about addicted!” – and then sharing their worst (or best) stories. So even within fellowships, people were trying to separate one type of addictive behavior from another and making each other right or wrong. Yet this is just a microcosm of what happens throughout this work. What Is Actually an “Addiction”? The medical ‘bible’ on addictions, called the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, four edition), includes only a small number of substances – essentially alcohol, drugs and nicotine – in its list. To be factual, it doesn’t even use the word “addictions” at all, but rather refers to substance abuse and substance dependence. The next proposed edition (DSM-5) does use the term addiction, but the list is still quite small. For example, gambling is the only “behaviorial addiction” that will be included; issues like sex and Internet use were considered, but not yet accepted. So the medical way of looking at addictions is a slowly-developing process. But what about the large number of other ‘addiction-like’ conditions that people are experiencing? For example, consider eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia. Many people I know believe these are addictions; however, the professional community does not. Instead, it calls them “mental health disorders.” Then there is the ‘addiction movement’ itself, where the term addiction is used for a wide range of issues from overeating to codependency to criminal behavior. In fact, if you do an Internet search on 12 step groups, there are more than 65 different types of fellowships. So who is really “right” about what is “actually an addiction”? What Does “Our Ability to Stop” Mean? Another key aspect for determining what is an addiction is our ability or inability to stop – something I’ve also used in my definition. But who can really determine that for certain? And when we say “stop”, do we mean “stay stopped”? This concept gets us into all kinds of debates. For example, if our brain chemistry shows we are dependent on a drug or behavior, does that mean we are unable to stop using it? Experience shows that’s not always the case. Or, if we do find a way to stop a behavior –– how long do we need to stay stopped for it to not be considered an addiction? What is the line between “I can’t stop” and “if I had enough motivation, I would stop”? Or when we do discover new ways to stop – as people continually are – does that mean that they (or we) didn’t have an addiction in the first place? Or are they in denial, headed for relapse because they did not stop the way we think is “The Right Way”. I think you can see the difficulties – and why there’s so much disagreement among those who have been working for years, if not most of their life, to understand addictions, what causes them and how to treat them. Now I’m not saying that it’s wrong to disagree. We all see things differently, and this process can help us learn from different perspectives. But the problem comes when we focus most of our energy trying to prove our rightness over others. What’s more, communications among us often get quite heated, even abusive. People like Stanford Peele, for example, were viciously attacked when they came out with new theories that disagreed with the disease model. And today, some people attack anything that IS related to the 12 steps. (I recently bore the brunt of such treatment, when I briefly mentioned on a Website the benefits of the 12 steps.) So what’s my point? Well, to put it as gently – yet as bluntly – as I can, our obsession with “being right” isn’t working. It’s actually hurting us. It’s confusing people who have “addictions” about what to do. It’s blocking our willingness to the see the value of each other’s perspective. It’s creating conflict, divisions and differences among people working in the same field. And it’s creating fear among those who have problems and want help, as a recent email I received showed all too clearly. In understanding additions, I often see such differing – and heated – discussions online when looking at weight-loss books, or even listening to the media. Some people say that obese people just eat too much; others say there's psychological or spiritual reasons for weight problems. It hurts when I've struggled so long, and people, very cruelly and judgmentally, say all I need to do is eat less. – Tracey B. What I’ve come to believe is that our conflicts are now getting in the way of helping people. And that’s why I’ve started to move away from “who’s right and who’s wrong” to “we are all right” - and begin looking for what we have in common. Suppose we were to put our paradigms aside for a moment, and looked for what’s effective among all approaches? Regardless of how we define addiction or what caused these ‘unwanted habits’ originally, what practices are we using that are actually effective in helping people recover, reduce or prevent them? That’s what I’m committed to find and communicate, so as to bring us together in our shared search for what works. And that's what this book is about. If that sounds altruistic, maybe it is. But it’s not just to be “nice” or kind to each other (though that certainly wouldn’t hurt). It’s about beginning to see the impact and cost that our conflicts and arguing are having on people. And it’s about finding the common patterns, issues, practices and solutions that can help anyone deal with any, and all, addictive or unwanted behaviors. What is the Power of Choice?
The Power of Choice is a philosophy that is the foundation stone behind all my programs and services; School programs, Corporate training, Community events, Treatment facilities, Family and Individual coaching, Interventions. The rest of the text on this page is directly from my book in progress of the same name, "The Power of Choice"; "For me, the “power of choice” has become the key to transforming any unwanted habit and even all addictions. As I say that, I’m a bit hesitant calling anything “the” key because it presupposes that there is only one right way, or that other approaches are not as good or valid as this one. And that’s not what I mean. What I’ve discovered is that it’s been the key in my work to accelerating results and creating lasting change. It can also be utilized with any paradigm of addiction recovery or any method of breaking free of unwanted habits that are not addictions. Regardless of what modality I use to help someone, I’ve found that giving them the power to choose has been the key to their success. What’s so Important about Choice? It began when I went into a treatment centre for my alcohol and drug problems in 1999. There they used the AA or 12-step model of recovery, which is based on the book Alcoholics Anonymous. In the “big book” (as those who’ve been through the program call it), it says that "most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice (over) drink." And therefore I was taught that I had lost the power of choice. I remember one of my sponsors, an amazing man who took me through the book, saying, “Scott, you've got no choice about who you are - or you being an alcoholic.” He believed it was something I was born with, like a genetic inheritance. “But I do have choice,” I said. “Well did you have a choice about what colour your eyes are?” “No.” “Did you have a choice about whether you were going to be male or female?” he asked. “No.” “Well see, you have no choice.” We argued like that for about 20 minutes. Then I realized something. I really wanted to be like this guy. He was my sponsor's sponsor, and his presence was so peaceful and spiritual that everybody just wanted to be around him. So I said to myself, “There's no point in arguing with this guy about this. I don't agree; I believe that I do have choice. But he's telling me if I believe that, then I'm in denial and he won’t work with me. I can't change what I believe,” I thought, “so I'm just going to swallow it.” So I lied to myself and said to him, “Okay, now I get it.” And once I’d agreed with him, we moved on. The Only ‘Real’ Way Before going into treatment – a story I’ll share later in this book – I had worked with many different teachers and self-development programs. Each one had helped me enormously, even to the point of getting off drugs or alcohol for several years at a time. However, like Ruth’s experience, nothing seemed to stick for me. And eventually I would fall back into one of my destructive habits once again. However this recovery was different. As I began to apply the 12 steps, I found that they did help me stay ‘clean and sober.’ So I wanted to continue. I was also taught by some of my sponsors that the Big Book was 'the only real way' to recovery. It wasn’t just about going to AA meetings and sharing your stories. You have to go through the Book with someone step by step, so you really learn, follow and apply what it says. So when I would see people in my 12 step meetings relapse, I'd say to myself, "I figured that would happen. He (or she) didn't go through the Big Book." At the time, I really believed that that was “the” answer. Eventually, I ended up being taken through the Big Book by five of the top people in Toronto. Nobody got "booked" as many times as I did. Sometimes I even pretended that I was more messed up than I was, so the next ‘top’ guy would work with me. Before the 12 steps, my life had been hell. This was working for me. So I really wanted to master the process, since I thought it was the only path to recovery. My Mission My whole mission to help others came out of this experience with AA. I wouldn't even be doing all the things I've done over the past 10 years had it not been for that. So I owe a lot to it, and will always appreciate it and remember that training. Since that time, I’ve taken countless people through the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And whenever I did, there was only one paragraph I would ever ask anyone to memorize. (I’ll bet you can guess what it said.) Out of that entire 500 page book, this was the paragraph: "The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent. We're unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness the suffering, humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defence against the first drink." (Bold is my addition) The whole addiction model that I was taught, and then taught others, was that being an addict means you've lost the power of choice. Therefore you need a higher power, God or spirituality to help you recover. Even then, it's only a daily reprieve. You could relapse at any time if you don’t do it this way. And that was the belief system that became my truth. At the same time, what I found was that even the 12 steps had its limitations. The AA model wasn’t right for everyone. It also didn’t help me deal with all of my addictions and habits. So I came to the realization that something more was needed. That ‘something more’ led me to continue my search into the root causes and solutions to these problems. And it eventually helped me discover how to regain my power of choice, while still honouring the wisdom of the 12-steps and the many other paths that helped me along the way." The Power of Thought
“The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them”. - Albert Einstein Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is based on the premise that thoughts cause feelings and is scientifically proven to be effective for the treatment of a variety of problems, including mood, anxiety, personality, eating, substance abuse, post-traumatic stress disorder, OCD, bulimia nervosa and psychotic disorders. CBT also believes that feelings drive all behaviors! I bring this up because I have often been asked if I was an expert in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy when I did not even know what it was. That’s probably because CBT does have some similarities to the Law of Attraction. The law of attraction is based on the same perspective on the power of thought but goes further. Namely that “like attracts like”, that positive and negative thinking causes positive and negative physical results, respectively. And “physical results” includes “feelings”, so thoughts cause “feelings” too. Now for my spiritual and religious friends, please don’t close down yet. I think you will see that this view point actually does fully align with your religious and/or spiritual practices, teachings and principles. The Law of Attraction implies that “thoughts” and “words” are the root of all creation. I’m sure no expert on it, but even the bible says; "In the beginning there was the Word and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by him; and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men." If “Word was God”, could it be interpreted that “All things were made by Word (thought); and without Word (thought) was not anything made that was made”? I’ve also heard it said that “Man was created in God’s Image” and that “these things I do you can do but even greater”. I have no idea where this bible stuff just came from trust me. I don’t know the “TRUTH” about anything. The law of attraction and everything I have just said and will say is a perspective I am asking you to consider. Not the truth. Now let’s go back to the simplicity of the statement, “Thoughts cause Feelings”, and how this could relate to unwanted habits and addictions – and why we do that which we say we don’t want to do. Could our Unwanted Habits and Addictions be a way of coping with or avoiding the uncomfortable feelings caused by our thoughts and beliefs? |