Insight #1: Most of Us HATE Being Controlled
When you try to control someone who has a bad habit or an addiction, it sets off alarm bells inside them. (I know this from personal experience.) You see, we already KNOW we have a problem. We’ve tried our best to control it, and have failed. Your trying to fix us only reminds us of that; and being told what to do makes us even more sensitive and resistant. All this just locks in our behavior even more. And it becomes a vicious circle...
I’ve come to believe that the choice to change has to be100% our own for it to be successful. That means nobody is trying to make us do something. There’s no pressure, force, guilt, manipulation or intimidation behind it. So when we “authentically choose” new behaviors, it comes honestly from inside of us.
What I’ve found, time after time after time, is that when people are pressured to change they often relapse or go back to their old habits. But when people freely choose for themselves, there’s a higher probability that they’re going to succeed at developing new habits.
So what can you do to help someone make this decision for themselves?
Insight #2: Redirect Your Thinking
When you criticize someone or try to correct their problem – or find yourself thinking about how bad it is – you are focusing attention on it. The more you do this, the more you are going to attract thoughts and experiences that show you “how bad it is.” And the problem will grow in your consciousness as well.
To help them, what you need to do is make the same kind of shift I talked about earlier – from focusing on what you don’t want to what you do want. And here again is how that works.
Whenever you notice yourself having negative thoughts about someone else’s behavior, gently redirect your attention from what you’re worried about to what you want to see. For example, begin to look for the positive aspects in the situation. See the good in what the other person is doing (like steps they’re already taking to deal with their habit). Or try seeing their behavior as the best way they know how, at this moment, to make themselves feel better. You will know that you’ve shifted your thinking when you feel better inside.
As you do this regularly, your vibration and behavior will start to change. You’ll become easier to be around. You’ll say things that are more understanding. The other person will feel more accepted, and may start sharing what’s going on for them. In both conscious and unconscious ways, your thoughts will begin attracting and creating what you want.