Scott Gallagher

Recovery, Day One...

On November 4th, 1999, I decided to voluntarily check myself into an alcohol and drug treatment centre for 28 days. Even though I hadn’t done any drinking or used any hard drugs (like cocaine) in months, I was what some people would label a functional alcoholic or addict. Not that I saw myself that way, mind you. But I pretended to when I went for my assessment so they would let me into the centre. Because the real truth was, I went to treatment so I could make more money.

If that all sounds a bit strange, let me explain.

In the late ‘90s, I owned a small, five employee recruitment firm called The Executive Network. For over a decade I had done every self-help program I could get my hands on to achieve more business success. However what I also kept doing was sabotaging myself, in countless different ways, including the use of alcohol and drugs. While not on them right now, I also couldn’t stop smoking pot, chain smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee – and for some reason I believed that these “habits” were stopping me from earning all the millions of dollars I wanted.. 

My girlfriend (Lorri Spykerman) in those days had a severe drug problem. And I became inspired when she made amends to me for all the things she stole from me to feed her addiction. I witnessed her undergo a profound personality change as a result of dealing with her crack cocaine addiction in treatment. So I arrogantly thought, “if this type of transformation can happen for a low-life crack head like her” – perceiving myself as being superior to her - I figured whatever self-help program she was doing in this treatment center would help me stop smoking cigarettes, weed and drinking coffee.  I even told my staff that this was the reason I was going into treatment, and soon I would be back to lead us all to wealth. And they were excited!!

Looking back now, I see that what was really driving me was an ‘addiction’ to money, power and success. In fact, just prior to treatment I had finished writing an unpublished mini-book which I titled “How I became a Billionaire by the age of 50: an autobiography of the future by Scott Gallagher”. I kid you not!

I did not see myself as an alcoholic or addict, but I needed to convince the treatment center that I did, or they would not accept me as a client.  So I "lied".

Lorri Spykerman made amends to me while she was in treatment.  She was "being the change you want to see in others" as Ghandi said.  She never even suggested I needed treatment.  She never told me I was an addict.  She was the power of example.  Who she was being was so attractive that a "high-bottom" addict, that did not see himself as being an addict, willingly chose to get help for a problem he did not know he even had.

As a result of going to treatment, I found my mission in life - "my mission in addiction".  It is mind-boggling when I try and think about the profound impact Lorri has made to this planet, just by causing me to go to treatment.

Despite all the abuse and violence I inflicted on Lorri during the years we did drugs together, she asked me to be the master of ceremonies at her wedding.

Many people acknowledge me for the difference I have made in theirs and their families lives.  For me, all that acknowledgment also goes to Lorri!!  I have a life that I love beyond measure.  Thank You Lorri!

A woman came to me for coaching about her unwanted habit.  I will call her Ruth.

Ruth has had a severe food addiction for many years and now weighs over 300 pounds. When she came to see me, she told me she had been stuck in bed for days.  Most days, she could barely get up; she just lay there eating. She had recovered of alcoholism and drug addictions through the 12 steps and had tried many things to help herself with food but nothing seemed to work. And people close to her had basically given up on her and thought she was going to die.

When she was able to go out, Ruth had been taking part in 12-step groups. Unfortunately she wasn’t making much progress. What’s more, her sponsor was getting angry and impatient with her because she wasn’t doing all the steps properly, such as making “amends” or apologies to people she had wronged in her life. And as a result, Ruth was really getting down on herself.

This kind of experience had happened to her before. Over the years, Ruth had gone to a lot of respected authorities, people she thought would be able to help her. But because she wasn’t recovering at the pace they expected or doing exactly what they told her, they accused her of not trying hard enough and not being willing to change. They blamed her for her condition. And then Ruth blamed herself because she believed them.

I Just Listened...

As we began working together, I listened intently to her story. After hearing about her 12-step experience, I said, "Ruth, ideally making amends is important. I’ve certainly found it useful for myself. But what I hear is that you've got a lot a shame about not doing it."

"Yeah," she said, "I feel a lot of guilt."

"Well it sounds to me like you're not ready for that step right now,” I replied. “And there's nothing wrong with that. Let me tell you about the ammends I’m still not willing to make.” As I shared some of the places where I haven’t yet apologized to others, she visibly grew more comfortable and at ease. Then I asked her, “So what do you feel you can do, and would want to do  right now?” And then magic happened. For almost three hours, we explored the many different ways that she could and would be willing to help herself.

Expected Me to Make Her Wrong

When Ruth told me about not making her amends – a core step in the 12-step recovery process –she was expecting me to tell her that she “should” be doing them. Why? Because that's what she’s heard from others and has come to believe about herself: that she’s wrong for not doing everything her teachers, mentors or sponsors have been telling her to do. And she’s been making herself feel guilty because of it. However, this thinking process is part of what’s keeping her locked in her addiction or unwanted habit.

My interest wasn’t in trying to correct, fix or force Ruth into doing something she didn’t want to do. These would only add to her belief that there was something wrong with her and bad feelings that goes along with this belief. Instead, I wanted to help her see herself as right and accept herself as she is. "You don't need to do more amends,” I said. “You need to get rid of your shame and guilt." And that’s what we proceeded to do.

One of the Roots of our Problems

Like Ruth, many of us use this same kind of thinking all the time. When we have a “problem” or aren’t living up to our own (or society’s) expectations of us, we try to force ourselves into being “better” people. We tell ourselves that we ought to stop smoking or drinking. That we shouldn’t be watching so much TV or doing so much shopping. Or the ways we should be eating, exercising or living. We are addicted to should’s and shouldn’ts.

If this doesn’t change our behaviour, we turn up the heat some more. We tell ourselves that we’re bad or irresponsible. We make ourselves guilty for whatever it is we are doing or whatever it is we’re not doing, and everything we do that’s “wrong.” We may even say things to ourselves like “if you don’t change, you’re going to get sick or die.”

Yet we do all this with the best of intentions. We believe it will motivate us into having better behaviours and a happier life. But it ultimately doesn’t work. In fact, it actually does the opposite.  It reinforces our bad feelings about ourselves, and our deeper beliefs that we are bad, hopeless or guilty. And that actually leads us to want to do our unwanted habits even more.

A Transformation in Thinking

For me, the real goal wasn’t about changing Ruth’s behaviour. It was about helping her experience a transformation within – a basic shift in her thinking and feeling – that would release her from her attachment or need for her habit.

Dr. William Silkworth, an early pioneer in the addictions field, described this as the need for an “entire psychic change” to enable people to break out of their addictions. And that is what I focus on in the people with whom I work: Creating a profound inner shift of thinking that helps people feel better about themselves, so that they will be able to make lasting change in their lives.

Both Our Expectations Changed

When we began our session, I thought that being part of an ongoing group would be helpful for Ruth – because it would give her a community of support, and one to which she would also be accountable.

However as we talked, what became clear was that the most important thing for her was being able to listen to and honour herself. And, that being part of a 12-step or other food-related group might not serve her at this time – even though she’d previously had success with the 12 steps in getting off other addictions.

Initially that was hard for Ruth to accept. “But what about my food issues?” she said. “I'm eating too much!” It was almost like she was saying “I have to be part of this group, even though it’s not working for me.” So what I told her was this. “If you commit to a group, chances are high that you’ll end up feeling like you have to fit in and do what everyone else is doing, which you have just told me is not currently in alignment with what you want to commit to doing right now, so it probably will just end up making you feel more guilt and shame that you are not willing to do what the rest of the group is doing.  It does not appear to be your truth right now. What you need is to listen to what feels right for you.”

I also said something that really surprised her. “Maybe inside you want to be fat. Is it really all that important? In fact, who cares? I'm fat too,” I said. And she began to laugh. She wasn’t expecting to find that kind of acceptance of herself or her eating.

Have you been ‘beating yourself up’ or feeling guilty about something you are, or aren’t, doing? Is it really helping you to change?