Scott Gallagher

Insight #1: Most of Us HATE Being Controlled

When you try to control someone who has a bad habit or an addiction, it sets off alarm bells inside them. (I know this from personal experience.) You see, we already KNOW we have a problem. We’ve tried our best to control it, and have failed. Your trying to fix us only reminds us of that; and being told what to do makes us even more sensitive and resistant. All this just locks in our behavior even more. And it becomes a vicious circle...

I’ve come to believe that the choice to change has to be100% our own for it to be successful. That means nobody is trying to make us do something. There’s no pressure, force, guilt, manipulation or intimidation behind it. So when we “authentically choose” new behaviors, it comes honestly from inside of us.

What I’ve found, time after time after time, is that when people are pressured to change they often relapse or go back to their old habits. But when people freely choose for themselves, there’s a higher probability that they’re going to succeed at developing new habits.

So what can you do to help someone make this decision for themselves?

Insight #2: Redirect Your Thinking

When you criticize someone or try to correct their problem – or find yourself thinking about how bad it is – you are focusing attention on it. The more you do this, the more you are going to attract thoughts and experiences that show you “how bad it is.” And the problem will grow in your consciousness as well.

To help them, what you need to do is make the same kind of shift I talked about earlier – from focusing on what you don’t want to what you do want. And here again is how that works.

Whenever you notice yourself having negative thoughts about someone else’s behavior, gently redirect your attention from what you’re worried about to what you want to see. For example, begin to look for the positive aspects in the situation. See the good in what the other person is doing (like steps they’re already taking to deal with their habit). Or try seeing their behavior as the best way they know how, at this moment, to make themselves feel better. You will know that you’ve shifted your thinking when you feel better inside.

As you do this regularly, your vibration and behavior will start to change. You’ll become easier to be around. You’ll say things that are more understanding. The other person will feel more accepted, and may start sharing what’s going on for them. In both conscious and unconscious ways, your thoughts will begin attracting and creating what you want.

“Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you.”  - Wayne Dyer

Sometimes people call or come to see me about someone in their life who has a serious habit or addiction. It might be their child or spouse, another family member, a friend or co-worker. Hearing them talk, I can tell how much they want to help this person change. Yet what they’re doing just doesn’t seem to be working.

As I listen more closely, or watch them interact with the person they’re concerned about, it becomes obvious what’s happening. Underneath their desire to help, they’re actually trying to fix or control the person they care about. As a result, the other person isn’t feeling loved or accepted as they are. They’re feeling pressured to change. Their resistance is growing. Both parties are feeling frustrated. And nothing much is being accomplished.

If any of this rings true for you, I’d like to share some insights into how you can be more effective in helping someone who’s important to you.

It’s Not YOUR Choice

Let me use an example of parents and kids to show what happens. When an adult comes to me with their child, often the parent believes that they are the one ‘in charge.’ Their language and attitude sound something like this: “I know what’s best. This is what my child should be doing. And I’m upset or frustrated that they’re not doing it.”

Here’s what I need to gently keep telling them until they get it. “You actually have no control over your child. You think you do. You may even use your authority or power to get them to do what you want. But whatever they do is their choice. They might lie about it to get you off their back. They might conform to please you (though underneath they resent it). But the truth is, you have no power over them. They are going to do whatever they are going to do.”

When we try to control someone else – especially a person who's hurting inside and exhibiting addictive behaviors – we are actually contributing to their feeling worse about themselves. Our judgment or criticism adds to their negative thoughts and feelings, and makes them want to escape those even more. And the way they do that is through their destructive habit.

So here’s the paradox. Out of love or concern for your child (or someone else in your life), you want to stop them from doing their behavior because it’s having negative consequences. Yet your worrying, criticism and control are adding to their pain and bad feelings. So your fear about what will happen to them is actually provoking them to do their habit more! Strange, isn’t it?

Now please don’t misinterpret this. I am NOT saying that it is wrong to care about or be concerned for someone else. What I am saying is that there are better ways to help.

It's Confirmed!! March 7th-11th I will be delivering school, community and parent workshops as well as individual coaching sessions for addicted members of this Inuvik Community http://inuvik.ca/

Trappers take a small cage into the jungle, and inside the cage they place a bunch of bananas. When a monkey comes along and spots the bananas, it will reach through one of the narrow openings in the cage and grab one. However, because the banana is bigger than the hole he’s put his hand through, the monkey can’t get the banana out. No matter how hard he tries, he simply cannot pull his hand out while holding on to the banana. 

When the trappers return, the monkey is caught in a dilemma. If he would just let go of the banana, he could pull out his hand, run away and be free. However, because he wants the banana so much, he won’t let go – and is easily caught.

Our mind is a lot like that monkey – and our problems are like those bananas. We think about them and we think about them. We think about how to stop them. We think about what’s wrong with us that we can’t stop them. We think about what got us into them. We think about what others did to get us into them. And we think about trying to stop thinking about them... Yet all the while, we’re still holding on to the ‘banana.’ No matter how hard we try, the result is that we keep holding onto our problems. However, the only way we’ll ultimately be able to let the problems go is by letting go of that thinking – and focusing on being free - redirecting our thoughts on the future we want to live into.

Just finished watching one of my favorite movies of all time.  Watched it in memory of Matt.  When Mary Lou called me to tell me of Matt's death, as I hung up the phone I could not get this image of the last scene of this movie out of my head.  So I wanted to watch the movie over again to really feel it.  Here is the last scene.

Oscar is given a gold ring on behalf of all the Jewish people he saved.  The gold was donated from the tooth of one of those Jew's he saved.  The ring has an inscription which reads "HE WHO SAVES ONE LIFE SAVE THE ENTIRE WORLD".

Schindler responds to this gift with the following words spoken as he cries. "I could have gotten more out.  I could have got more.  If I just…I could have got more. "

He is comforted by one of the people he saved who says, "There are 1100 people that are alive because of you." 

To which Schindler replies: “If I had made more money.  I threw away so much money.  You have no idea.  If I had just…I didn’t do enough.  This car.  Why did I keep the car?  10 people right there.  10 people.  10 more people.  This pin. 2 people.  This is gold.  2 more people.  He would have given me 2 for it.  At least one.  One more.  One more person.  A person is dead for this (ring) .  I could have gotten one more person and I didn’t (breaks down crying collapses) and I didn’t."

Now I see, choose to believe, that God gave me this image upon hearing of Matt's death.  I felt the exact same way back then.  The difference for me is that I quickly realized that blaming myself for what I did not do would not honor Matt, nor would it honor my love for Matt.  But what I can do is honor my love for Matt by making more of a difference on this planet while I am here.  Not out of guilt though.  NOT driven by guilt!  But out of my love for my friend.

The first words Schindler spoke I now see were my immediate thoughts.  If I had more money.  I threw away so much money.  If I just had more money.  I will never forget this one particular session Matt and I had when he was doing well.  He told me he wanted to do the work I do in schools to prevent and help kids with addictions.  I told him we would do it but because I did not have the money to cover his transportation costs to the gigs, let alone hire him to do anything with me just yet, we would have to wait. 

I also remember a time when he wanted to be intensively coached by me, but I did not have time because I was too busy trying to make money so I could pay my bills.  Matt also lived about 3 hours away by transit.  I remember back then, because he was family to me, wishing I had enough money that I could have him live with me for a month.  Take care of his meals and give him a place to stay.  But I figured we had time.  I figured when he had one year clean, I would have more money, and then I could have more time to help him and train him to do the work I do.  The work I do which saves and gives me my life.  The life he wanted for himself. The work I believe would have done the same for him.

So it is out of my love for Matt, that I continue the work I do, but in his name with a greater sense of urgency to create the prosperity we need to hire other young people like Matt to deliver our program, to save others and thereby save themselves.

This I do, in honor of my beloved (and I am crying again), my beloved brother and friend, Matt Kloucek. Your love and life lives on through me and, through so many countless others.

Talk to ya soon bro!

http://www.powerofchoice.org/run4rkids.html

I just now got the most touching facebook message from a friend of my late nephew Matt's saying "You are here to show that pain is irrelevant and that pain is a road you don't have to keep walking down - that love is the cure - this is what I have learned from you."  Her message inspired me to share the following section from my book with you:

When I was training to run that first marathon, we were told that it was best to take about six months to rest and prepare between races. So after recovering from the first one, I ran four more marathons over the next 24 months or so. Some runs were faster, some were slower. But most important was the fact that I had succeeded. Each time, I had finished in spite of the intense pain and physical stress. And I felt great about what I had accomplished.

Pushing the Edge Again

Still feeling like I could do “anything,” I decided that my next goal would be to run an ultra-marathon. An “Ultra” is anything longer than the regular 42.2 K distance or the six hours normally given for doing a marathon. And I set my sights on a 50 K or 31 mile run near Niagara Falls that was about two months away.

To train for this one, I decided that I would run three regular marathons first – partly to build up my endurance, and partly to break through my beliefs about what’s possible for the human body. Nobody I knew personally had ever done even two marathons in a month. So I was definitely pushing the edge by attempting so many in such a short time.

I approached the first marathon pretty casually, and completed it in fairly good shape. One week later, I ran another marathon – or at least tried to. Part way through, I was 'zoned out' listening to my iPOD, didn't notice that I had taken a wrong turn, and ended up running the half-marathon course instead. However, I also experienced a slight leg injury during this run, so my mistake might have been a lucky one. And then two weeks later I ran another full marathon. This time I got injured at 10K and ran the last 32K in considerable pain, limping the whole way.

Pain… and Deep Peace

During this last run, I decided to call my writer so I could capture my thoughts about it while I was still running. Out of it we created an article called, "It’s Only Pain,” in which I described what it's like to run through physical pain – and how my commitment to finishing and the power of being with other runners got me through it.

After doing that article, I began asking myself, "What is it about these marathons that I'm so attracted to? Why does running them mean so much to me?" Given that my mission is all about overcoming unwanted habits and addictions, it obviously had something to do with that. So I started to try and figure out the connection.

I reflected back on my first marathon when I was totally injured, bedridden for nearly a week after and in excruciating pain whenever I tried to walk. It would make sense to ask, "If your first experience with a marathon was that painful, why would you ever want to do it again?"

And there was the paradox. Because on the other side of that pain was the deepest sense of peace and emotional freedom I had perhaps ever known.

Having felt that "love of humanity" and the deep gratitude I had for how people helped me, the two had left me deeply moved. During that run, I'd also had an experience of what I can only call "transcending" my body. At one point near the end, I felt like it wasn't "me" running my legs any more. It was as if my spirit was moving a body that shouldn't really have been doing this. Yes, there was pain; but I wasn't especially present to it. It was as though I was outside of the body, and outside of any feelings, fears or negative thoughts. And it left me with a sublime sense of freedom and peace.

What I began to sense was that, somehow, the experience of being willing to be uncomfortable was a key to breaking free of unwanted habits and living a fulfilled life. For me, running marathons had simply become the most intense exercise I could use to train myself to break out of my "addiction to comfort" and my desire to avoid pain at all costs.

Many people who experience unwanted or destructive habits have a lot of negative thinking going on inside, thinking that they’re often not aware of. For example, they might focus a lot on what’s wrong with other people. This could include blaming, complaining or criticizing others in their family, at work or in the world. They may frequently give advice to or try to fix others (or one person in particular). Or they may continually be trying to correct, improve or fix themselves.

If any of these hit close to home, just know that I’m not trying to point fingers at you specifically. Millions of people fit that description! Once again, it’s simply like the air we breathe or the water we drink. It’s part of being human. And most of us aren’t even aware that we’re doing it.

That’s why we need to notice it – and realize the impact it’s having on our life. Why? Because any frequent or continuous focusing on what’s wrong (or “negativity”) will fuel bad feelings within us. With that comes a desire to escape those feelings, by seeking for something that will make us feel better. And that’s what’s driving our unwanted habits.

Those who do research on such things say that our mind has between 50,000 and 75,000 thoughts a day – and that the majority of those are negative. (I told you it’s not just you. <smile>) If that’s true, it means that most of us have tens of thousands of negative thoughts each and every day contributing to our negative feelings. NO WONDER there are so many people with so many different unwanted habits in our society! It’s a surprise that we’re healthy at all.

If that’s our situation, what kind of change would be realistic? What I say in my program is this: “I’m not telling you to give up judging completely, or that you should never have a negative thought. You’re human. I’m simply saying that we all have a ‘habit’ of thinking that way. Can you see the value of developing a new habit – of being more positive, seeing events and people more positively, acknowledging others more often for the good they do, or looking at what’s right in your life and being grateful? Would that be a habit worth developing?”

One positive thought alone isn’t going to dramatically alter your feelings. But it’s a starting point. It’s one practical step you can take. And by doing it many times, it will grow that new habit or muscle within you. That’s why each thought makes a difference.

The same thing applies to our behaviours. I don’t tell people to stop doing their habits or addictions, simply because I know that won’t happen; it’s not practical or realistic. Instead, I invite them to start counting and observing their habit by asking themselves, “How often am I doing this today?”

That question brings the habit more to mind, instead of it being mostly unconscious. People get to see or notice themselves doing it, but without having to judge it. “Oh, there’s one. And there’s another...” Then if they want to, they can begin to take small steps towards the goal they want to achieve. “I’m smoking 100 cigarettes a day right now, and I’d like to stop smoking altogether. Why don’t I start with smoking one less time today?”

This approach is one of the things that helped me stop smoking. My program also included drinking water to replace the need to smoke, as well as doing a little exercise, and growing other new habits.

Whatever your habit is now, think about what goal you would like to reach or where you ideally would like to be. Next, start observing and counting how often you do your habit. And after a few days, ask yourself:  What ridiculously small amount could I reduce that by, today? Do that for a few days, then ask yourself that question again. Keep doing that and see what happens with your habit.

I am, and continue to receive so many generous emails regarding the loss of my Nephew to drug addiction.  Probably close to a hundred.  And most of these emails are from people I do not know.  Here is one such email:  "Please accept my heartfelt condolences regarding your beloved nephew. I cannot imagine the pain; the irony is not lostin that your life's work is to prevent exactly this kind of tragedy. Know thatyou have found a way to bring some good out of this terrible bad. God bless youand your family during this time, and always. Thanks, Sharon"

I am so moved by the love of humanity.  Thank you Sharon, and everyone else.  Here is more info on the story: http://www.insidetoronto.com/news/local/article/937005--helping-youth-live-addiction-free-lives

Matt Kloucek, my brother/son/nephew/friend died 11 days ago of an overdose. He left behind an 18 month son named Lucas. One day Lucas will be asking the questions, "who was my Dad?" "Did he love me?" Why did he leave me?"  "Did he die on purpose?".  I set up my video camera as a sort of speakers corner at the reception asking people to tell Lucas who his Dad was for them. I captured about 5 hours.  The below video's were taken the day after - and are my attempt to answer these questions for Lucas.

For more on Matt's story, click http://www.insidehalton.com/community/life/article/932562--drug-addiction-claimed-her-son