Scott Gallagher

Trappers take a small cage into the jungle, and inside the cage they place a bunch of bananas. When a monkey comes along and spots the bananas, it will reach through one of the narrow openings in the cage and grab one. However, because the banana is bigger than the hole he’s put his hand through, the monkey can’t get the banana out. No matter how hard he tries, he simply cannot pull his hand out while holding on to the banana. 

When the trappers return, the monkey is caught in a dilemma. If he would just let go of the banana, he could pull out his hand, run away and be free. However, because he wants the banana so much, he won’t let go – and is easily caught.

Our mind is a lot like that monkey – and our problems are like those bananas. We think about them and we think about them. We think about how to stop them. We think about what’s wrong with us that we can’t stop them. We think about what got us into them. We think about what others did to get us into them. And we think about trying to stop thinking about them... Yet all the while, we’re still holding on to the ‘banana.’ No matter how hard we try, the result is that we keep holding onto our problems. However, the only way we’ll ultimately be able to let the problems go is by letting go of that thinking – and focusing on being free - redirecting our thoughts on the future we want to live into.

Many people who experience unwanted or destructive habits have a lot of negative thinking going on inside, thinking that they’re often not aware of. For example, they might focus a lot on what’s wrong with other people. This could include blaming, complaining or criticizing others in their family, at work or in the world. They may frequently give advice to or try to fix others (or one person in particular). Or they may continually be trying to correct, improve or fix themselves.

If any of these hit close to home, just know that I’m not trying to point fingers at you specifically. Millions of people fit that description! Once again, it’s simply like the air we breathe or the water we drink. It’s part of being human. And most of us aren’t even aware that we’re doing it.

That’s why we need to notice it – and realize the impact it’s having on our life. Why? Because any frequent or continuous focusing on what’s wrong (or “negativity”) will fuel bad feelings within us. With that comes a desire to escape those feelings, by seeking for something that will make us feel better. And that’s what’s driving our unwanted habits.

Those who do research on such things say that our mind has between 50,000 and 75,000 thoughts a day – and that the majority of those are negative. (I told you it’s not just you. <smile>) If that’s true, it means that most of us have tens of thousands of negative thoughts each and every day contributing to our negative feelings. NO WONDER there are so many people with so many different unwanted habits in our society! It’s a surprise that we’re healthy at all.

If that’s our situation, what kind of change would be realistic? What I say in my program is this: “I’m not telling you to give up judging completely, or that you should never have a negative thought. You’re human. I’m simply saying that we all have a ‘habit’ of thinking that way. Can you see the value of developing a new habit – of being more positive, seeing events and people more positively, acknowledging others more often for the good they do, or looking at what’s right in your life and being grateful? Would that be a habit worth developing?”

One positive thought alone isn’t going to dramatically alter your feelings. But it’s a starting point. It’s one practical step you can take. And by doing it many times, it will grow that new habit or muscle within you. That’s why each thought makes a difference.

The same thing applies to our behaviours. I don’t tell people to stop doing their habits or addictions, simply because I know that won’t happen; it’s not practical or realistic. Instead, I invite them to start counting and observing their habit by asking themselves, “How often am I doing this today?”

That question brings the habit more to mind, instead of it being mostly unconscious. People get to see or notice themselves doing it, but without having to judge it. “Oh, there’s one. And there’s another...” Then if they want to, they can begin to take small steps towards the goal they want to achieve. “I’m smoking 100 cigarettes a day right now, and I’d like to stop smoking altogether. Why don’t I start with smoking one less time today?”

This approach is one of the things that helped me stop smoking. My program also included drinking water to replace the need to smoke, as well as doing a little exercise, and growing other new habits.

Whatever your habit is now, think about what goal you would like to reach or where you ideally would like to be. Next, start observing and counting how often you do your habit. And after a few days, ask yourself:  What ridiculously small amount could I reduce that by, today? Do that for a few days, then ask yourself that question again. Keep doing that and see what happens with your habit.

I received the following quote of the day from a subscription I have to Abraham-Hicks, creators of the Law of Attraction.

"....the reason you feel bad [when others judge you] is because you are judging them about their judging."

Obviously came at the perfect time! Thanks God for reminding me not to take things so seriously. http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php

A woman came to me for coaching about her unwanted habit.  I will call her Ruth.

Ruth has had a severe food addiction for many years and now weighs over 300 pounds. When she came to see me, she told me she had been stuck in bed for days.  Most days, she could barely get up; she just lay there eating. She had recovered of alcoholism and drug addictions through the 12 steps and had tried many things to help herself with food but nothing seemed to work. And people close to her had basically given up on her and thought she was going to die.

When she was able to go out, Ruth had been taking part in 12-step groups. Unfortunately she wasn’t making much progress. What’s more, her sponsor was getting angry and impatient with her because she wasn’t doing all the steps properly, such as making “amends” or apologies to people she had wronged in her life. And as a result, Ruth was really getting down on herself.

This kind of experience had happened to her before. Over the years, Ruth had gone to a lot of respected authorities, people she thought would be able to help her. But because she wasn’t recovering at the pace they expected or doing exactly what they told her, they accused her of not trying hard enough and not being willing to change. They blamed her for her condition. And then Ruth blamed herself because she believed them.

I Just Listened...

As we began working together, I listened intently to her story. After hearing about her 12-step experience, I said, "Ruth, ideally making amends is important. I’ve certainly found it useful for myself. But what I hear is that you've got a lot a shame about not doing it."

"Yeah," she said, "I feel a lot of guilt."

"Well it sounds to me like you're not ready for that step right now,” I replied. “And there's nothing wrong with that. Let me tell you about the ammends I’m still not willing to make.” As I shared some of the places where I haven’t yet apologized to others, she visibly grew more comfortable and at ease. Then I asked her, “So what do you feel you can do, and would want to do  right now?” And then magic happened. For almost three hours, we explored the many different ways that she could and would be willing to help herself.

Expected Me to Make Her Wrong

When Ruth told me about not making her amends – a core step in the 12-step recovery process –she was expecting me to tell her that she “should” be doing them. Why? Because that's what she’s heard from others and has come to believe about herself: that she’s wrong for not doing everything her teachers, mentors or sponsors have been telling her to do. And she’s been making herself feel guilty because of it. However, this thinking process is part of what’s keeping her locked in her addiction or unwanted habit.

My interest wasn’t in trying to correct, fix or force Ruth into doing something she didn’t want to do. These would only add to her belief that there was something wrong with her and bad feelings that goes along with this belief. Instead, I wanted to help her see herself as right and accept herself as she is. "You don't need to do more amends,” I said. “You need to get rid of your shame and guilt." And that’s what we proceeded to do.

One of the Roots of our Problems

Like Ruth, many of us use this same kind of thinking all the time. When we have a “problem” or aren’t living up to our own (or society’s) expectations of us, we try to force ourselves into being “better” people. We tell ourselves that we ought to stop smoking or drinking. That we shouldn’t be watching so much TV or doing so much shopping. Or the ways we should be eating, exercising or living. We are addicted to should’s and shouldn’ts.

If this doesn’t change our behaviour, we turn up the heat some more. We tell ourselves that we’re bad or irresponsible. We make ourselves guilty for whatever it is we are doing or whatever it is we’re not doing, and everything we do that’s “wrong.” We may even say things to ourselves like “if you don’t change, you’re going to get sick or die.”

Yet we do all this with the best of intentions. We believe it will motivate us into having better behaviours and a happier life. But it ultimately doesn’t work. In fact, it actually does the opposite.  It reinforces our bad feelings about ourselves, and our deeper beliefs that we are bad, hopeless or guilty. And that actually leads us to want to do our unwanted habits even more.

A Transformation in Thinking

For me, the real goal wasn’t about changing Ruth’s behaviour. It was about helping her experience a transformation within – a basic shift in her thinking and feeling – that would release her from her attachment or need for her habit.

Dr. William Silkworth, an early pioneer in the addictions field, described this as the need for an “entire psychic change” to enable people to break out of their addictions. And that is what I focus on in the people with whom I work: Creating a profound inner shift of thinking that helps people feel better about themselves, so that they will be able to make lasting change in their lives.

Both Our Expectations Changed

When we began our session, I thought that being part of an ongoing group would be helpful for Ruth – because it would give her a community of support, and one to which she would also be accountable.

However as we talked, what became clear was that the most important thing for her was being able to listen to and honour herself. And, that being part of a 12-step or other food-related group might not serve her at this time – even though she’d previously had success with the 12 steps in getting off other addictions.

Initially that was hard for Ruth to accept. “But what about my food issues?” she said. “I'm eating too much!” It was almost like she was saying “I have to be part of this group, even though it’s not working for me.” So what I told her was this. “If you commit to a group, chances are high that you’ll end up feeling like you have to fit in and do what everyone else is doing, which you have just told me is not currently in alignment with what you want to commit to doing right now, so it probably will just end up making you feel more guilt and shame that you are not willing to do what the rest of the group is doing.  It does not appear to be your truth right now. What you need is to listen to what feels right for you.”

I also said something that really surprised her. “Maybe inside you want to be fat. Is it really all that important? In fact, who cares? I'm fat too,” I said. And she began to laugh. She wasn’t expecting to find that kind of acceptance of herself or her eating.

Have you been ‘beating yourself up’ or feeling guilty about something you are, or aren’t, doing? Is it really helping you to change?